I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Randomize
