Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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