I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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