Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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