So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
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