I hope my margaritas pass through security.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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