Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Randomize
