I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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