How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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