Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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