My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Someone signed my nipple.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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