I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I AM VODKA MAN
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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