Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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