Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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