I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
