i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
