I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
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