You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
