Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
