Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
