she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
