I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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