My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
