Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
