dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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