Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
He felt like a one man threesome
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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