someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Randomize
