So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize