uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
now i know why i became what i already was.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
