I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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