I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
