I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
