I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Randomize
