She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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