He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
