You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
