Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
