god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
