and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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