She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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