Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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