just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Randomize
