no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
