Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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