omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
