I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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