May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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