just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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