is your mom at the bar?
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
