OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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