i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
