dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
