Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize