just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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