census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
