I was born with a shot glass in my hand
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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