i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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