This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I am naked and annoyed.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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