Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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